The Day I Went Commando

In Germany's most northern plains you see them every year.
Come summer sun or winter rains, those soldiers without fear
preparing for the world war to hold those Russians back.
This story tells the year when I joined in on the attack.

Whilst putting on my combat clothes before the war begun,
I opted against underpants considering the sun.
My tackle, unrestricted, would be comfortable that way
and so I went commando on the historic day.

The exercise had soon begun, the battle raged full pelt
and, as I ran across those palins, how comfortable I felt
until, behind a tree I tripped and spread my legs apart
and heard my combat trousers ripped with ever sinking heart.

And, where the rip had come from I was left in little doubt
as all too soon my unrestricted tackle tumbled out.
In panic I yelled 'Medic!' and one ran through the attack.
I realised what he would see and quickly yelled, "Go back!".

The others were advancing fast, I just could not stay put.
The only option left to me was run and shout and shoot
and hope that the attention would be focussed on my gun
and not upon my tackle swinging freely in the sun.

I pulled my bravest Rambo face, jumped out beside that tree
my rifle blazing madly and my tackle swinging free.
The sight was much too fearsome for the gallant enemy
who turned and fled a full 3 miles as far as they could flee.

We camped up in a small dark wood, the battle having won
to get some rest and eat some food in shelter from the sun.
I ate a tin of pilchards and then, as I drifted off,
an angry nest of wood ants made their way to me to scoff.

Well, there's several hundred thousand million trillion ways to wake.
It's never hard to single out the harder ones to take,
alarms blaring loudly or those boring breakfast shows
but try being woken by an ant that bites inside your nose.

It's true! That's how this story goes. Of that fact I can swear.
Because, in fact, I owned the nose, you could say I was there.
And very soon another wood ant moved inside my smalls
and then before I stopped it, well it bit me on the balls!

The blow which I delivered then to kill that tiny beast
could have knocked out 20 men or knocked them down at least
and such a blow between my legs sent me onto the ground
where, for close to half an hour, my screaming form was found.

The enemy had heard my screams but kept themselves at bay,
remembered, all too vividly, the image of that day.
For sure they didn't save us out of wanting to be kind
but kept themselves outside those woods for fear of what they'd find.

I didn't have a battle plan, no troops had I commanded,
but I had surely won that war and won it single handed.
No medal was forthcoming nor a hint of a promotion,
just underpants cos going commando caused too much commotion.