In Germany's most northern plains you see them every year.
Come summer sun or winter rains, those soldiers without fear
preparing for the world war to hold those Russians back.
This story tells the year when I joined in on the attack.
Whilst putting on my combat clothes before the war begun,
I opted against underpants considering the sun.
My tackle, unrestricted, would be comfortable that way
and so I went commando on the historic day.
The exercise had soon begun, the battle raged full pelt
and, as I ran across those palins, how comfortable I felt
until, behind a tree I tripped and spread my legs apart
and heard my combat trousers ripped with ever sinking heart.
And, where the rip had come from I was left in little doubt
as all too soon my unrestricted tackle tumbled out.
In panic I yelled 'Medic!' and one ran through the attack.
I realised what he would see and quickly yelled, "Go back!".
The others were advancing fast, I just could not stay put.
The only option left to me was run and shout and shoot
and hope that the attention would be focussed on my gun
and not upon my tackle swinging freely in the sun.
I pulled my bravest Rambo face, jumped out beside that tree
my rifle blazing madly and my tackle swinging free.
The sight was much too fearsome for the gallant enemy
who turned and fled a full 3 miles as far as they could flee.
We camped up in a small dark wood, the battle having won
to get some rest and eat some food in shelter from the sun.
I ate a tin of pilchards and then, as I drifted off,
an angry nest of wood ants made their way to me to scoff.
Well, there's several hundred thousand million trillion ways to wake.
It's never hard to single out the harder ones to take,
alarms blaring loudly or those boring breakfast shows
but try being woken by an ant that bites inside your nose.
It's true! That's how this story goes. Of that fact I can swear.
Because, in fact, I owned the nose, you could say I was there.
And very soon another wood ant moved inside my smalls
and then before I stopped it, well it bit me on the balls!
The blow which I delivered then to kill that tiny beast
could have knocked out 20 men or knocked them down at least
and such a blow between my legs sent me onto the ground
where, for close to half an hour, my screaming form was found.
The enemy had heard my screams but kept themselves at bay,
remembered, all too vividly, the image of that day.
For sure they didn't save us out of wanting to be kind
but kept themselves outside those woods for fear of what they'd find.
I didn't have a battle plan, no troops had I commanded,
but I had surely won that war and won it single handed.
No medal was forthcoming nor a hint of a promotion,
just underpants cos going commando caused too much commotion.
Category: Uncategorized
A Different Way To Everest
I recently found out that the classic route isn’t the only way to reach Everest Base Camp in Nepal. I’ve just been the hard way.
The cloud sweeping over her indicates the jet stream with winds of up to 140mph.
This is the incredible panorama before us as we acclimatise in the hills above Namche Bazaar. Looking right from Everest we see the summit of Lhotse also in the jet stream. Further right and closest to us is the summit of Ama Dablam.
We’re standing at a mere 3,900m (12,987ft) above mean sea level. By climbing to this height and then descending to Namche Bazaar at 3,440m (11,286ft) for the night we are helping our bodies adjust to the ever-thinning air.
On reflection, this was my most confident part of the trek. I was out on my own climbing slowly and mind wandering. It was one of those times when I just knew I could take whatever this trek could throw at me.
At once I am exhausted, ill, elated, and apprehensive. The climb was steep, dark, and freezing. My water supply froze. I’m really feeling the altitude. After a sip of water, I started uncontrollably hyper ventilating and nearly passed out twice on the way up. My head is pounding and my eyes bulge in time with my racing pulse.
This valley emerging from the darkness into the sunrise was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever seen. For all that ails me still I bask in the glory of this achievement and the majesty of this view.
It’s not going to be easy to cross that glacier tomorrow. And somewhere in the mountains beyond it, the Cho La Pass is waiting.
He always hung back with me when I couldn’t match the pace of the group. Even carried my bag at times when I was struggling. Countless times I dropped a walking pole and he always beat me to it to pick it up for me. Every single time I tripped; he steadied me before I could fall.
A man as mountainous as the mountains around him. A soul in harmony with this place.
Subdued and, quite frankly, scared, we crossed the dead ground towards her.
Approaching from Dragnak and heading towards the Everest Base Camp Trail, the climb is rocky and looks near vertical. A metal rope is pegged into the rocks along the length of the ascent. The main ascent starts up the left-hand side of the pass as you look at it. After about 400ft of airy, exposed, rocky steps and loose scree, a long traverse brings you onto the band of dark coloured rock you can see in the picture.
“How am I ever going to make that?!” seems to have been the common thought as we looked up from there to the pass itself. The answer, another couple of hundred feet of near vertical, high, rocky steps. Personally, I had to stop and rest after almost every step. Eventually, about half an hour behind the main group, I emerged exhausted onto the pass.
The steep rocky path descending from the memorials of the Thukla Pass (out of picture) to the teahouses of Thukla (centre of picture). Looking right, we see the route back to Dingboche and the drop down from Thukla to the Pheriche valley which will be on the route of our descent in a few days.
I had to stop and put my gloves on. By the time I did I was in tears with the pain in my fingers as we crunched our way up the frozen valley. I could see the sun ahead in the mountains and I prayed for it to reach us and thaw us out.
The sun reached us at the top of the valley at the foot of the moraine of the Khumbu Glacier. I went from utterly freezing to overheated and dehydrated with nothing in between.
Clambering through the endless boulders on the approach to Gorakshep (the last settlement on the Everest Base Camp Trail) things finally started to settle. My down jacket and gloves were packed away and my water supply had thawed.
Tears rolled out from under my glasses as exhaustion was washed away in a wave of raw emotion.
It was seeing the embrace of Will and Becks (2 of our group) as they arrived that started me off, but I think I was already pretty tender.
I’d been here before 6 years ago exhausted then as now, elated just the same. Time passes, we get older but the immensity of standing in a place like this never does. I guess that’s why I came back. Because a journey like this never strays far from your mind. It’s always in your heart.
Andy put up with my snoring, often lost at cards and often tried to clear rocks from the path in front of me whenever he saw me tripping. G was as ever present as my shadow and as helpful and patient as a saint.
Will and Becks are a couple. They constantly looked out for me on the journey. They gave me encouragement and always made me smile.
Dawa is the personification of Dal Bhat Power. He led from the front and kept a sensible pace for the group. He started out quiet but soon came out of his shell. A bit of a magician with cards.
These guys are amazing. When I consider that the memories of what we achieved will last forever, I know they couldn’t have been achieved without these guys. Their positive, gentle spirit and their ever-present encouragement and help was a total blessing.
Travel Writer 